I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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