i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
