im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
