sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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