i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
