we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
