I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
sarcasm needs its own font
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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