I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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