My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"