you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
