Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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