im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
