im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
