call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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