im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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