tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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