So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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