Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
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whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
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I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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