I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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