the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
