dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
