it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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