he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
