there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
