I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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