I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize