youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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