pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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