I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
