Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
