Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
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Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
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On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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