I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
