fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
