You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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