why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
