I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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