Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
