He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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