well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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