I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
