My nipple is on Facebook.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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