Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Holy sore nipples Batman
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
