shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
