i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
