based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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