How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
