census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
