I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
