I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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