i just wanna soil my oats bro
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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