You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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