I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
