I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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