The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
