And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
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When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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